Crushed, but Not Broken is available... FINALLY!
I love writing. I often find myself writing down random thoughts (or voce texting into notes), stories or even opinions that I feel will one day be important. Of course, none of those writings would ever be published or even read by others, but that is not why those who write, write. Many writers have stories, lessons or opinions just playing over and over in their minds and they need to get them out to move on in life. Others are gifted at seeing the world in a different light and use those gifts to help others. Then there are those really great writers who will leave you trapped in the world they created, making you realize you could live there forever. But me? I am not gifted or even close to an average writer, but I realized that I had to learn to write because I was trapped in a real world that I no longer wanted to live in. I had to move on because that horror story played over and over in my mind, leaving me scared, frozen in fear, and unable live the life that I had prayed for on the floor of the ICU in Boston.
The entire book was already written inside my mind, but as I wrote down the words, the pain that I was reliving was too great to type another word or line. I sometimes would wait months to begin writing again, and then if I accidentally glanced over the previous paragraph, the one that left me paralyzed, I would have to walk away again. Because of this long, drawn out process, it took me over three years to write the entire story. Even then, I never read the whole thing through to make sure it made sense. Thank God for my mother-in-law and Melissa, who read it over and edited what they saw.
The book was finally released and I still haven’t read it all at once; barely skipping around specific chapters, afraid to relive any one part again. So when you read it, let me know what you think! And then let me know if you cried, because, so far, everyone who has read it has ended up in tears at one point or another.
And because it tends to cause “leaky eye syndrome”, Randy and the kids may never read it. At least not right now, anyway. I was able to read through my chicken-scratch-notes and social media posts at the pace my body needed to deal with the pain. Randy did proof-read the first couple of chapters, early on, but I can’t imagine being hit with every detail and memory, all at once. Plus, we hid almost everything from the kids while we were in Boston. They were already traumatized enough by the sudden seizures, constant song of ambulance horns and quiet mornings when half the family had sped off to the ER in the middle of the night. But the trauma is far from gone; it lingers everywhere. When Emmy has a headache, throws up suddenly or can’t stop her body from jolting and twitching, we remember it all. The false beliefs that her regression was actually “progress”. That all the headaches were just part of the “healing” process and all the other lies we believed to make ourselves feel better while we watched Emmy slowly die. So yes, maybe our family of six will wait a few more years to read the whole book. And maybe we read it as a family, with a counselor nearby, just to make sure we don’t fall back into the sink-hole of depression.
Now that I have ruined your day :), go read the book and remember that no matter how dire the outcome looks or how impossible the journey seems, God is always there. He is already working everything out for YOUR good. And if you will just BE STILL, God is actually speaking to you and telling you that He’s got this.
Love,
Missy B.